I wish I didn't have to write this but somehow I feel like it would help. I need to make a conscious decision whether or not to leave out any swearing but shit isn't a swear word right, RIGHT?
Tuesday
As I right this I feel like I am going to throw up, on monday I found out a friend of mine who I worked with (up until last year) passed away. I was in shock, still am I guess but there was a level of mystery around what happened how? Did she have an accident? Was she sick? A million things went through my head but not THIS. The whole day back and forth "Have you heard anything yet?" It wasn't REAL it was but wasn't …I don't know why but unless I knew how it wasn't real. I felt sick all day though but held it together after all it was mum's birthday and I didn't want to upset her especially after what we'd been through last year ( I'll leave that to another time). I even told my manager what had happened but I still didn't KNOW. We talked about how cruel it was someone that had the world ahead of her so vibrant so young (not much older than me..I'm 24) and AMAZING. Staying on topic of depressing things I mentioned how I was reading a fascinating blog by a lady named
Lori who's husband recently committed suicide. How ironic.
Wednesday
The phone call. I remember I probably didn't react at first all I initially thought was WTF? I stumbled into A's office (thank you) shut the door and broke down. I don't know what I said but probably "--- killed herself." This…….THIS is how it happened this shit was REAL. f---, this is F-----!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then the guilt.
Guilt
There is no right or wrong way to feel I suppose but having someone question why you came into work when "….you KNEW" further instills the guilt inside. I mean SERIOUSLY??? The counsellor (FYI) said you can have different reaction times and even after the initial belief, days moths, years later some can trigger it. A smell, their favourite colour, ANYTHING. I was doing the right thing dealing it with it now.
Luckily most people were supportive. A said that I have every right to feel however I feel and it affects people more than others. But if this is how I feel what about the others? Her parents? Siblings, best friends? I feel bad for feeling this was as shitty as this sounds. As stupid as it sounds. What about the people worked closely with her, on her floor? I dealt with her MOSTLY through email, a couple of floors up. And they were at work full functional and me having to go home. F---.
Regret
I have few regrets in my life. Few I can pinpoint anyway. Number 1 would not catching up with her that time. Which would have been the LAST time or maybe not maybe that's why it feels SO…..SO F----! She'd recently moved to Canberra for work and mentioned I should come stay with her. At the time I was thinking Canberra? I had no plans to ever go and to be honest (no offence) hadn't had rave reviews (You see my sister had been twice for school camping trips and described it has the most boring experience of her life). But then I had the perfect opportunity with the launch of
Handmade Living and having my products featured on shop I was sure to have a chance and I was excited!
Then she sent me an email letting me know she was moving to QLD and that was ok, I didn't know if I would have enough money to do a fly in and out when I had other commitments and besides I would be going to QLD shortly. In fact the weekend she moved in! Long story short after texts back and forth it didn't happen. Her mum (bless her) missed her flight and she couldn't leave her. And I just WISH we tried a little harder. And maybe I don't bloody know would it made a difference would I have picked up on anything asked the right questions #$^#$%&^($%^($%@(^@$%#(??????????????????????????????????????????????? Oh my god could I have done anything? Am I stupid bitch to think I could have? Realistically no. But at the back of my mind SHIT you know what FUCK IT. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I'm making myself sick over it. i am sick. A weird sick, a different sick …I'm sick all the time (not the healthiest, fittest..constant colds blah blah blah) This is in my gut, a constant…reminder I suppose. A dull headache. But I SHOULD be happy on the other hand she spent those extra few hours with her mum and maybe I should find peace with that.
Suicide is NOT selfish
Despite what anyone thinks suicide is not selfish. It can be the most unselfish thing anyone could ever do…not burdening someone with your own problems. When you are in that state of mind NO ONE is worse off then you. And how would I know? I've been there….I go there. Only few people know. That's why I am not surprised that we didn't know about her. I'm sure people ask how didn't her parents know? Her mother? Mine doesn't or does know now…. I don't know. People are very good at hiding things I should have been an actress I am a drama queen sometimes. You don't think logically (what is that anyway) you can be the smartest person in the world, the richest but there is no end. Something that might NOW seem silly in retrospect can plague you. There's no way out. Things can't, they won't get better.
And the other problem it is TABOO no one talks about it, it's embarrassing, shameful and opens you up to judgment " what do you have to be sad about when other people are………………."
I think the definition of selfishness is when you know what you are going to do is going to hurt people and you do it anyway. I think when you are in that state other people either don't come into the equation OR you think people are better off without you. I think that's the difference.
You don't care
If you judge me then you can kindly get the hell out of my life. And if you think that by reading someone's blog about suicide will cause someone to suicide then you are a troll and don't know what you are talking about. Seriously?
What she said. If someone were to do that then there is something deeply wrong with that person in the first place.
I know for a fact that it has helped saved at LEAST one life.
If you know no someone that is suicidal or you are a survivor of someone who has then I recommend reading Lori's blog from the
beginning , the beginning of the ever after.
Rest in peace
I hope this helps. This isn't from a husband, a
wife, a mother, grandparents, daughter or Son's perspective it's a friend. And we weren't even best friends and this is how affected I am.
In respect for Tony, for my friend and anyone who has taken their life
speak now. They didn't but at least now they are now at peace.
The views expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer.
"Ali Beriman has always been a creative soul. Learning craft skills from her mum and nanna, Ali's business - Park Eden - was named after her grandparent's farm in Victoria, and in honour of her nanna. Ali designs fabric covered magnets, unique bookmarks made from fabric buttons and hair accessories for children. Her magnetic memo boards, covered in designer fabrics, are a perfect way to display photos, cards and momentoes without suffering the pin-holes of a traditional memo board." - handmade living. – a designer collective
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